Monday, 24 September 2012

Fighter Jets and Bombshells

Or Top Gun's top tips for scoring with the ladies

Top Gun is a film about fighter jets and the brave,  rule-breaking men who fly them. Especially those named Maverick.

(I think you can also make a compelling case for Top Gun being a commentary on the AIDS Crisis and safe/unsafe sex practices.)

But Top Gun is also a romantic movie! When not flying their fighter jets, playing shirtless beach volleyball, or staring meaningfully into each others eyes Top Gun fighter pilots are all about romancing the ladies. An analysis of the film provides a foolproof 7 step guide to successful wooing any lady in the world.

Step 1: Pick out a woman at a bar. Make a bet with your best friend about whether you can have coitus with her on the premises.

Step 2: Embarrass the woman by singing "You've lost that lovin' feeling" poorly at her. If all goes well the rest of the bar will spontaneously join you. Women like nothing than having an entire room of people sing poorly at them. Also, all bars are moments away from singing "You've lost that lovin' feeling" spontaneously.

"... you guys are gonna join in any second right?"

Step 3: Sexually harass that woman in the ladies washroom. Chicks dig that.

"What, you mean suggesting we have sex on the counter isn't okay?"

Step 4: Belittle her at her place of work in front of her colleagues. She might be an astrophysicist who is an expert on communist airplanes for some reason, instead of, say, an aeronautical engineer, but you know better than she does and everyone needs to know this.

"I want everyone here to know that your ideas are stupid. Women, amIright?"

Step 5: On your first date, go to the woman's house immediately after playing shirtless beach volleyball with the guys. Demand a shower.

"Guys I gotta go see a lady about a shower."

Step 6: Have a secretive workplace affair. Set it to 80's music. Add back-lighting.

*80's music* (Please note the tongue tip springing forth)
Step 7: Kiss with a frightening amount of tongue. Kiss with the amount of tongue someone who has heard of french kissing but has never seen or attempted it before thinks is okay. Use more tongue than an affection and overheated dog. Tongues!

*80s music* (She just licked his face)
There you are future pilots and lady-killers. Follow these steps and soon you'll be knee deep in women with a face coated in saliva.

"Go get 'em, Tiger."

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